I remember when I was first diagnosed. It took weeks to really wrap my mind around the concept that I had cancer. I never would have imagined that it would be the same once I no longer had cancer. (Yes, you read that correctly.) But over the past several weeks I have gradually been allowing myself to accept the fact that the cancer, like Elvis, has left the building, or in this case, my body. Part of the difficulty has been that the doctors have danced around using the actual word "remission." Then there is the fact that they have absolutely no explanation for my present condition. I have been afraid to allow myself the luxury of giving voice to what seems to be a miracle for fear it will all be a dream after the nightmare. I have a lot more questions than answers at this point, but I know that the doctors have no real answers for me. They haven't all along, so why would now be any different? If they couldn't agree on my cancer, my need for surgery, and would not listen to me in the face of what they could see before them, what makes me think they will be any different now? They still insist I need to have surgery, yet I can tell that my body continues to heal. I can FEEL it. I know my body and I can tell things are getting better and returning to normal. I read other patients' stories and I can't believe they have the same thing I did. And what's more, the ones who gave in and had the surgery seem to be the ones who are the worst off, with recurrences, more and more chemo, operations, etc. So, no thank you, doctor, I will do this my way, as usual, and not have the surgery. Why open a whole new can of worms at this point and expose myself to the invasion and trauma of surgery, recovery, tubes, iv's, possible infection and even the possible spread and proliferation of an errant cancer cell still clinging to life and waiting for the right opportunity? So here I sit, trying to come to grips with this new situation in my life. It's sinking in. I'm feeling more positive and stronger daily. I don't need some damned doctor raining on my parade at this point. I feel like DOING things again. Like I CAN do things again. Like I can maybe put this chapter of my life behind me and move on. In the back of my mind is the fear. What if I'm wrong? But then, it is the doctors who have been wrong again and again all these months. Wrong about the oral chemotherapy. Wrong about the lesions on my liver. Wrong about the side effects I was surely going to have. The doctors who never even considered the idea that the chemo and radiation that were just supposed to shrink the tumor to make it more manageable for surgery would actually eradicate the cancer when combined with what I was doing on my own. Wrong to have no interest in finding out WHY I had no side effects from chemo and radiation. Wrong to have no interest in finding out what exactly I was doing to have NORMAL blood tests, no compromise of my immune system, etc., etc. So wrong, in fact, that one surgeon voiced doubt that I ever HAD cancer!!!! Yes, you read that correctly also. I did not have a lot of faith in the medical profession when I first went into this thing. What little there was has pretty much gone now, along with the cancer. Might it come back? Sure. Whether I have the surgery OR NOT. So I say take the least radical approach and give myself time to heal. Keep taking my cancer fighting supplements and try to help others who NEED to know the things I have learned. You have not heard the last from me, I promise you that. Still plenty of work to do. Keep the prayers coming. The doctors won't admit it, but I know it helped me get where I am today. Love you all.